The Beauty of Forgiveness
by the American Revolution
Summary: Can Yumi find it in herself to forgive the tragic circumstances of her childhood? When a beast from her past forces her to confront her present concerns, Yumi fights to prevail and take control of the life she wants to have.M for language
1. Putting Out a Lovely Light

**Chapter one- **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own code lyoko or its characters.**

_**~~ Okay this is just a sample chap. If I can get 3 good reviews I'll keep goin **___

The sound of car doors closing and the cool that the rain now brought seemed to give the service just the finish Yumi had needed. It was a good feeling; like when you turn the last page in a book, or cross that last 'to-do' off of your list. It was misting heavily and the people walking away from the pavilion began to rush; opening umbrellas and throwing coats over their heads. But the rhythmic sound the rain made when it hit the roof of the pavilion and ground around it held Yumi calm and steady as she stared down at her father's casket. Without thinking she sank to her knees on the soft ground beside the 6ft deep hole that the cold, steel box had just been lowered into.

"Just give her a minute, okay! Don't be so heartless, she just lost her father. Go take a smoke break or something you old geezer." Yumi smiled at her husband's voice.

"Okay, okay. But she needs to hurry; I've got 3 more to fill today!" Yumi heard the groundskeeper stalk off, and Ulrich mumble a few curse words.

She didn't turn to watch him walk towards the car, and kept her control until she heard the car door open, then softly close. Ulrich was giving Yumi her space to shut the door on this part of her life. She would talk to him about it later, of course, but not because he asked. Ulrich had always been there for Yumi, and at the same time gave her the space she needed to figure her troubles out on her own; so he wouldn't request a detailed description of what had happened to her…or what she was doing now. She would give it to him though; she would share every little part knowing he would still be there when she finished.

Yumi swung her legs over the side of the grave and let them dangle over her father's casket.

"I…" she wasn't sure how to do this, it wasn't everyday you attempted to seal your past shut, leaving it to rot with the core of your hurt.

Yumi took her bag off of her shoulder and sat it on the ground beside her. She pulled a music box the size of a small shoe box out of the bag and sat it on her lap.

Her hands were shaking as she opened it. The box began to play its familiar tune of 'You Are My Sunshine' to Yumi and she watched a small sunflower twirl slowly to the music.

She felt the hot sting of tears on her cheeks and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

"I remember when you brought this home," she began speaking aloud not taking her eyes off of the spinning flower.

"I was so excited…You had said it was for your 'lovely light'. Hmph…do you remember? It was an early gift for my 8th birthday…you grabbed me up into this big bear hug, and when you put me down you smoothed my hair…and I didn't flinch." Yumi reached into the music box now and sifted through its contents.

She quickly found what she was looking for: a small, faded picture of her as a child; being held securely on her father's shoulders.

"Look at her…she's beautiful. She's smiling…" Yumi's voice broke, "She loves you! And trusts you! You're her fucking father for Gods sake! She shouldn't have to worry about what will happen in six years; whether you'll still love her; still _protect_ her…not be the one she's scared of..." Yumi felt her eyes and cheeks becoming wet again, but let it go.

She held the picture out in front of her, "Goodbye 'lovely light'." She let the picture fall from her fingers and flutter down into the dark hole. She dug around in the music box and brought out 3 more pictures and one by one let them drop from her hand.

….One of she and her mother both holding either of her father's hands…another of she and her father, the music box on his lap…and the last of Yumi sitting in a tree, 13 years old smiling down at her father who was at the base of the tree; ready at any minute to catch her if she needed him to….

"I don't know if you remember or not, but the first time you made me cry; the first time I ran from you and hid…I was 13. You and mom had had a fight and I walked in while she was still screaming at you. You were drinking something; I know now it was probably vodka, or whiskey; your favorites. I walked in just in time to see you finally lose it, and without warning you were out of your chair and mom was on the floor. It happened so quickly I wasn't even sure if I had really seen what I thought I had. But then you looked up and saw me. You yelled at me to go to my room, but I couldn't move…then you stepped over momma and you came at me. I shrank away but I still couldn't get my feet to listen to the voice in my head screaming 'Run!'…you only pushed me, but it was enough to let me know nothing was ever going to be the same. I left the kitchen running, and hid under my bed until mom came in to get me up for school that next morning." Yumi dug in the box again and pulled out a black and white copy of an x-ray with a small piece of colored fabric taped to the corner of it. 

"When mom finally got the courage to leave you I was 14. You were so drunk all of the time you barely noticed me when I came to visit you. Hmph…The only reason mom left was to get me away. And then the lawyers and judges all said you had visitation rights. Every other weekend of my life until I turned 18 was so horrible I started taking things; different pills to make me sleep, make me forget…feel good, feel anythingbut pain for just for a little while…" She stared at the x-ray in her hands for awhile before speaking again.

"This is an x-ray of my arm from the night of my 14th birthday. Mom had bought a cake and invited a couple of my friends over while you were at work. She didn't want you there to ruin the good time with your whiskey covered birthday wishes. You had come home early though and seen me hugging Ulrich on the porch, just saying goodbye. Once he was gone and I was back inside you got up out of your chair and grabbed me before I even realized I should have tried to get away. You held my shoulders tightly and you shook me calling me a whore 'just like your dumb ass mother'. Mom ran into the living room from the kitchen when she heard you and tried to pull you off of me but you pushed her away. She fell and hit her head. All I remember after seeing that was being thrown into a wall and you grabbing my wrist, then pain and darkness." Yumi fingered the piece of fabric. 

"You broke my arm daddy. Remember?"


	2. Chocolate Coated Anger

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own code lyoko or its characters.**

**ULRICH'S POV**

Ulrich sat in his not so dream car drumming on the steering wheel to an unfamiliar rock song blaring from the stereo speakers.

He looked around the front seat of the ice blue mini van in search of something to entertain him… _Ah ha!_

Yumi's purse.

"Secret chocolate hideaway here I come…" he smiled and reached for the white and tan bag.

Yumi usually carried it everywhere with her; it held anything anyone could ever need at any time. But today she had left it behind and chose instead a plain black shoulder bag to carry with her to the funeral.

Ulrich peered out the passenger window, looking for his wife.

"Hmm, still crying…" He noted her trembling shoulders.

"You know old man," he said digging through Yumi's purse for the salvation of sugar, "She's never told me anything about what you did. And all her mother ever said was that you 'weren't the man she had married' when you started getting less hours at the office…Then she'd gaze off and mumble something about you loving the bars then offer me a cookie, or to bake some if there weren't any." He chuckled, "They both tried so hard to excuse you; and as long as Yumi wanted to live in that happy little world where 'you didn't mean it' or 'if I love him I can forgive him' then I was happy to ignore it… You were out of her life once we moved on and off to college; at least I thought you were…" Ulrich tossed the purse into the passenger seat and stared out the window again, opening on of the four abandoned Hershey kisses he had recovered.

"You were nothing but a controlling bastard, who couldn't break through your own walls of alcohol long enough to realize the damage you were doing to your family. To your amazing daughter; who, by the way, has done incredible things despite your attempts to keep her down." Ulrich choked back the emotions attempting to spill over the rims of his eyes. He wadded up the wrapper from the last Hershey kiss and threw it into the back seat with the rest; the sigh heavily and finished his soap box speech to Yumi's father silently.

_She got through high school, made it through college and is an amazing teacher. Despite all the times you told her she was nothing…this time your reach went past her life though. If she can forgive you, you fucking asshole…if she can forgive you then you have to let her go. You have to…she needs this…she needs to overcome this last hill…this last piece of control you have…_

Ulrich turned in his seat so that his body was facing the passenger side of the van, and leaned his head back against the window. He reached up and twirled the school photo I.D. Yumi had hanging around the rear-view mirror…_You can do this babe…_


	3. Hidden, Tender Hope

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Code Lyoko or its characters  
**

**A/N: I'm feeling like the flow of this chapter is sort of awkward because it's mainly Yumi talking, so if ya'll could R&R and let me know what ya'll think that'd be great!**

Yumi sat there leaning over her father casket wondering if the 'Forgiveness Plan' her friend and recently titled therapist, Renea, had suggested would help in any way.

All she felt now was pain. Pain in her heart, in her stomach, and the phantom pain in her arm from the first night the angry beast within her beautiful father reared its ugly head.

_She didn't say this would be easy…_Yumi thought to herself, remembering how much Renea had struggled to hold back the tears when Yumi told her about the fourth miscarriage. The doctors all said it was a mental thing. She was in perfect health physically and there seemed to be no reason why she was losing the babies. Some said it could be stress, and that Yumi simply needed to relax. Then Renea suggested that it was deeper than that.

"_Yumi you're scared. Subconsciously you have this battle going on; you want children but because of your father, and the things you went through you don't think you deserve them…and with what's happened this past week…well…I'm sad and sorry, but can't say it surprises me the your body had so much trouble holding onto this pregnancy…Go to the funerals…go to his service. Forgive him Yumi…berry the hurt with him, but not the past…it's a part of you yes, but it doesn't have to hurt anymore! Please, for your own sake...forgive him…"_

Renea had offered to come with Yumi but this felt like something she needed to do alone…

"Daddy…I thought for so long that I had done something wrong. That because I was so worthless you had to hurt me…you had to hurt momma…But the truth is that you just couldn't handle the pressure of making ends meet, or of taking care of your family. You broke daddy. You broke under the stress of the real world, and wanted to break momma and me too. To bring us down to your level, and you did for awhile; at least I fell down. But because of the people who loved me, because of Ulrich, I found my way back up and out of the hole you had dug for all three of us. And now I have to walk away from that pit; momma was the only thing holding me there…and now you've taken care of that snag…so all that's left for me to do is walk away." Yumi let the x-ray slip from her fingers and join the other memories below.

She went back to the almost empty music box and pulled out a plastic wrist band, and a translucent blue bottle.

"The night you broke my arm you cried to mom and me saying you didn't mean it, that it was an accident…You were laying down in the back seat, your head in my lap. And with my good arm, I pet you hair out of your eyes, and told you it would be okay. Mom told the nurses I had fallen out of a tree. She left you sleeping in the waiting room to call aunt Marcey to tell her to go to our house and pack everything she could fit into the car. Marcey loved me; we use to always visit her. She didn't have kids of her own so she was always happy to see us. Mom and I left you sleeping in the dark waiting room alone, and rode with aunt Marcey in _her_ car to _her_ house, and slept in _her_ guest bed…I knew you had ruined _our_ home…I thought nothing would ever be good in my life again." Yumi played with a lose string on the hem of her skirt, trying to gather her thoughts.

"When…" She hiccupped, "When you took mom to court, the judge said that because there had never been any physical abuse charges brought against you by either mom or me that in the occurrence of divorce you would have joint custody. And being the stupid little girl I was, I never told mom that you still beat up on me. Never. She asked of course, begged on occasion, for me to tell her the truth. She knew, but I believed you every time you said you were sorry…" Yumi turned the bottle over in her hand, "It was too hard to take what you were doing, and believe your apologies…so I took something even harder. Any drug I could get my hands on. Never used needles, I was a pill popper. And that cabinet of mercy in the bathroom you and mom use to share was my supplier." She dangled the white, plastic wrist band between her index and middle finger.

"I somehow managed my grades and graduated high school…but there didn't seem to be a point to it. You had run off my friends. I ran off my boyfriend…so, graduation cap and all, I took and entire bottle of sleeping pills and stumbled across the field behind our house to the Barton Bridge. It was no longer in use, but still the most popular jumping spot over the Whitney River. Of course the water was too cold even in May for anyone to be up there jumping and swimming…and anyways it was like 8 o'clock at night…if anything there would be kids celebrating, too drunk to do anything. As I walked up on the bridge I was already feeling the effects of the pills, and started thinking I wouldn't even make it to the water. I remember touching the cold, rusted steel on the side of the bridge, and swayed there for a moment…I felt sick. And then…there were voices, at first I thought that it was over, I was dyeing and I could here sounds from the other side…now I know there had been a group of kids at the other end of the bridge, celebrating yes, drunk…no. I'm not even sure if I jumped or fell in. I just remember the voices getting louder, and then being gone. The water was freezing, so cold it burned my lungs when I tried to breathe in. I can't remember trying to fight to live…even if I had wanted to then, with a bottle of Rozerem down my throat there was no way my body was responding to anything my brain had to say…" Yumi turned to look back at her ice blue mini van, and her husband. She smiled, taking in his form. Facing her direction with his head against the window sleeping.

"He's beautiful dad…Just as beautiful as he was 8 years ago when I woke up to see him still dripping wet, sitting beside my hospital bed. Ulrich and a couple of his friends had gone out the bridge, just to remember old times, goof off. When he saw me stumbling up to the railing he knew something wasn't right, but was too late getting to me." Her voice broke, "So he jumped in daddy. We hadn't spoken in almost three years, and he jumped in after me. _He _thought I was worth something…he _knew _I was worth something…" a soft breeze carried the smell of soil, perfume, and rain through the air. Yumi looked to her left and saw an older woman dabbing an amber liquid on a little girl's neck. She then kissed the girl's cheek and tucked the perfume bottle into her purse, took the little girl's hand and led her gently, slowly to a black tent only a few yards away from the one Yumi was under. The rain had slowed to a very light drizzle; the woman tilted her face upward, looking at ease…looking like Yumi's mother had the last time she had seen her alive…

Yumi looked back to the cold steel box beneath her, "Mom was there too, in the hospital…you weren't. I was 18…free, and alive. Amazingly, alive. I asked Ulrich why…He said 'Yumi, I have been in love with you since the 6th grade. Three years ago you went to a dark place and you wouldn't let me help you out of it; you didn't want out of it so I backed off…But I didn't stop loving you. I will _never_ stop loving you', and then he kissed my hand; and we just sat there quietly enjoying the fact that we were both breathing, both alive and with each other." Yumi spread her fingers and released the wrist band, then stared at the pill bottle in her other hand, "After that night I didn't need anything to help the pain. I left the hospital and went straight to Aunt Marcey's with mom. I spent every day of the summer that followed with Ulrich. And in the fall we went to college together…no sign of you for 8 years. Well at least no physical sign…" Yumi felt colder but wasn't shivering; she reached into the music box and pulled out 3 small, thin ribbons and a black and white picture printed on paper.

She gripped the pieces of ribbon tightly and tried to fight back the hot tears that were welling threateningly in the corners of her eyes.

She then took the copied picture and held it in front of her.

"This, daddy, is the last sonogram taken of my first child; a girl, Cache' Yuuki Stern. I went 3 months with out knowing I was pregnant. She was so small, and I had been so stressed my junior year of college that the signs just…well her presence slipped right past me. When the thought started pushing its way to the front of my mind I talked myself into taking a home test…sure enough I was the proud owner of a bold pink plus sign…At first I was shocked, and scared; but once again Ulrich pulled me from the icy water and we made the best out of our surprise." Yumi Brought the photo to her lips, kissed it softly, and then let it fall in the grave with the rest of her trinkets.

"After I found out I was pregnant I started having these horrible nightmares. They were all memories. The one that repeated the most was pulled from the Friday night that I had come home from school, after telling Ulrich to get out of my life. He had refused at first but after verbally and then physically abusing him for about an hour he gave up the fight, and let me be. I was with you for that weekend, and I remember being so angry when I walked into the house to see you sitting shirtless on the couch, in the dark, drinking. I through my bag at you, and started screaming…screaming that you were a horrible father and that you had ruined my life, ruined my love; and you just sat there continuing to drink. Then I went after you with my fists. It was pointless, my frail pale hands slamming against your 5'9 box frame, fueled by whiskey and vodka. With one swing of your arm I was on the ground. Then you were kicking me and kicking me, and wouldn't stop. You kept saying that I was a worthless whore, and that's why Ulrich didn't want me…I woke up from that dream with cramps every time. For a month this went on, the dreams only getting worse, and more frequent. At my four month marker the Dr. told me it was a girl, and that she was small but with some help she would be fine. Ulrich and I decided on the name that night; and I went to sleep with the list of colors for the nursery on my bedside table…I woke up from a bad dream right into a nightmare. In the ER Ulrich kept telling me it would be okay, but I already knew it wouldn't…I knew we'd lost her."

**A/N: Once again, please read and review!! I want to know if it was awkward for ya'll reading this with so much of the story being Yumi's dialogue. **


	4. To Forgive

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Code Lyoko or its characters.**

**A/N: pleeeeease if you read this, review. I like knowing what I should/need to do to make this better. Just no flames please, you can be sweet and give constructive criticism at the same time, I believe in you **

Yumi sat quietly on the soft ground, attempting to find the words she needed to carry on.

She felt the eyes of the other, nearby mourning families on her. Still she sat, not moving; wondering if opening old wounds, painfully deep cuts that reached her heart and soul, would really help her move on. Then again, had she ever truly recovered in the first place?

She shifted her weight, and pulled her legs up to sit on her knees. With shaking hands, she took each little piece of ribbon and tied it in a bow, then lay in carefully on her lap.

She found her voice.

"In case you were wondering, they're all white because we didn't get to find out the sex of any of them…so they're 'our little angels'…That's what we had engraved on the memorial. Nothing big, just something we had done for Cache'; and after this last…this last loss, we decided so many fragile souls needed to be remembered in some way. Even if it's only on a small marble stone in the garden mom and I started together, the day Ulrich and I signed the papers for our first home…" Yumi laughed.

"Mom had gone to the store and pulled up as the realtor was leaving," she giggled, "so the realtor got to see mother hop out of her car wearing this ridiculously oversized, red hat. Which didn't, by the way, match her bright orange tennis shoes, or the pink capris partnered with a homemade tee-shirt that I had made for her in the 3rd grade. Do you remember? It had my handprints on the back in purple paint, and on the front it said 'Proud mommy of Little Yumi'…Only the L was backwards because I had insisted on writing it out myself…" Her laughter faded.

"I can't seem to relate to that little girl anymore. I don't feel as though she was my past just that I stood by and watched hers. I want to protect her. Every tie I had to my childhood was broken along with my arm, and when I look back there's just…just that little girl I can't help." This time her eyes stayed dry. 

Yumi let the little ribbons slip into the ground.

"You tormented us even after it was all over. Momma had terrible nightmares….always the same. You came to the door, the young man she fell in love with pleading with her. Begging for her to take you back. And she did. She said things would go dark then and she'd wake up and swear she caught a glimpse of you in her room before she turned the light on…" Yumi pulled a picture from the bottom of the box.

"This was taken of mom and me 3 months ago. We had a girl's day, just us two. I convinced her she wasn't too horrid looking to get her picture taken on the pier with me. The Ferris wheel was glowing behind us. She looks beautiful. We weren't thriving by any means. You still had this unexplainable hold on us both; but there on the pier, the sun setting and the wind blowing just enough that we both reached up to keep our hats on, we were whole. In love with our new lives, happy, really smiling; perfect and whole." This picture Yumi kissed and slid into the pocket of her dress.

"You don't get that part of us. I just…I just needed you to know that you never truly defeated us. And that you may have taken her from me but you can't take that day. That moment when we both new it was okay. That we would be alright.

The police said you just walked through the front door. She must have thought it was me. I was supposed to come over later for coffee and cake but I often surprised her on our little dates by showing up early. She didn't scream. The neighbor who walked past and saw you standing in the doorway with the gun to your head said that mom just stood there. Just watching you. Her neighbor of course didn't want to alert you so she just ran back to her home to call the police. I wonder if she had said something or screamed, if you would have just ended it for yourself. If mom had just kept quiet maybe you would have just done what you had gone to do. In therapy they say that often time suicide is way to affect or get at other people. Of course that's what you would do it for; just one more thing to haunt her. The cops said you were sobbing over her on the floor. Just rocking back and forth saying '_she_ forgave _me, _the bitch said she forgives me!'. Maybe she had hoped I would hear about it. So I'd know what I needed to do." Yumi took a deep breath and released it slowly, "You shot yourself before the police could stop you."

This time Yumi took a piece of folded notebook paper from the box, unfolded it, and read aloud. 

"I realize now that the only thing giving you any power over me, was my own unwillingness to let go of all the pain you have caused me. But in the light of my mothers undying courage and unending love for even the darkest of beasts, I have found the strength to follow her lead. I forgive you Daddy. For everything. I only hope I can forgive myself as easily, for the years wasted on building my hate…" Yumi let a few tears wet the paper before letting in to drop in the grave.

She stood with the box in her hand, a piece of her father she would never let go, that had never really slipped in the dark; and in her pocket, the reminder that she had every bit as much strength as her mother.

Ulrich got out of the car and opened the passenger door for her, she kissed him in thanks. He smiled and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"Say all you needed to?"

She smiled.

"Yes…You are wonderful you know that don't you?"

He smiled.

"Only because I have you to keep me floating." They kissed again. This one longer, an understanding kiss. One that said more than a million words ever could.

When they pulled apart Yumi settled into the passenger seat of the car. There was a fluttering in her chest, she was excited.

When Ulrich got in and fastened his seatbelt she glanced at the back seat, then looked at him. 

"I am so sorry I put us through all of this." He took her hand and kissed it.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

He would always be her defender…She smiled and looked out the window as he started the car.

The was a new light to everything. Almost as if this new world of hers were shining..

"I changed my mind…" She said suddenly without fully realizing she had decided to.

"About what?"

"Remember I said only one? One child was enough? I changed my mind…Ulrich I want to fill our house with them! I want at least four.." She laughed as he smiled, and squeezed her hand.

"You want to try again then?" She could tell he was trying hard to fight the relief he felt.

"Oh, yes. I want a family…" Yumi smiled and looked out of the window again, towards the sinking sun, "I want to fill our home with lovely light.." 


End file.
